the smells of Christmas ...

There is something about the smells at Christmas
that are only there for the one time of the year
the smell of the evergreen tree,
fresh from the forest
or closest tree lot on a corner ...
the smell of shortbread baking
in the oven
the richness of the butter oozing out
the smell of chocolate
truffles, M&M's, cookies, eclairs or whatevers ...
the smell of turkey
roasting in the oven
the stuffing bursting out and turning brown ...

I love the smells of Christmas ...
some of my favourite things!

winter ...

The thing about winter
is that it is cold ...
when I was younger
I used to enjoy winter to a certain degree

but now that I am older
I fail to see the reason
for it ...
it is much too cold to be pleasant out
you see people scurry quickly by
hoping to get to their destinations
as quickly as possible
so that they are able to warm their bodies up

winter, complete with snow ...
there are more accidents
with those driving in the snow
the roads are slippery
and when the snow is falling
the visibility is lessened

people complain all the time
about driving in the snow
something that I do not have to worry about just yet
for it will be a while
before I am able to drive again
if ever ...

winter, what was the reason again ...
I seem to have forgotten
someone once told me
that it was for the fields to rest
but what about tropical countries
where they have no snow or winter
they still grow things year round ...

hmmmm winter!!!! sighhhhhhhhhhh ....

When I say that I am alone
I am talking of the physical presence
I know that I have people who I am constantly in their thoughts
but it is not quite the same as having someone here
to give me a hug when I need it
to just be around when I am bored
and seeking attention from another breathing source

I have been told that I am never alone
but I am ...
I fear sometimes that I am alone much too much

but tonight in a couple of hours
my son will be here
to spend a couple of days
I miss both of my sons
you would think now that it has been over a year
I would be used to living on my own ...
nope, not this girl ...

it must be too many years of living with others
have kind of put me in a spot where I really miss
the noise and clutter that others make ...

I don't like being alone ...

It is hard to be alone ...

One of the hardest things about being alone
is just that
being alone ...
it is hard to be alone when you are not feeling well
you can not go out
just for the sake of going out
everything has to be arranged
now that I am not able to drive anymore
it is even harder
for I find that I must rely on others
all of the time

so when I am at home alone
where as before I would just hop in the car and go
somewhere, anywhere ...
after all Walmart is open 24 hours now until Christmas
I must now rely on friends
to give me rides

the only thing is now
is a busy time of year
people have their own things to do
and they are busy trying to get
all of their own things done
before the big day
and do not always have the time
or do they think of me
sitting here, by myself ...

it is hard to be alone ...

You were there ...

You were there when I needed you ...
words from the movie
Jack Frost
but meaningful right now in my life ...

it is hard sometimes to tell people
that they are there just for when you needed them most
and the words from the song
hit home

I sit here tonight
knowing that I could have gone out
with some friends
to dinner and a show
but did not feel up to it

I also had made tentative plans
to go and see the lights
at Pinafore park in St. Thomas
but a late return from Windsor
and having to work tomorrow
changed my driver's mind ...
and that is ok
because I know that there will be other times
and I know
that when I really need her to be there
she is always there ...

as are many of my family and friends ...
so thank you ...
for being there when I needed you!

shopping ...

I am glad that I have most of my shopping done
I need to go to the grocery store
and that is about it
but first I need to find space in my freezer
to store the Christmas bird

There is something about the smell of turkey
that makes the warm spot inside glow
the knowledge of family and friends together
feeling the love and joy of the season

so, sometimes the shopping means that you find the perfect gift
for the person that you have the most problems shopping for
and you just feel good inside
because you know the joy your gift will bring ...
so all those hours of shopping
and spending way to much money, but thinking that it would be something that they would enjoy or could use ...
part of the joy of shopping ...

this year, the shopping was done without a list ...
lots of the stand bys that given every year ...
socks, boxers, and sleep pants ...
and a few surprises thrown in ...

gotta love shopping ...
especially when it is done with love ...

Christmas fairy lights
twinkling in the night
colours bright and hued

splashing colour in the night

joys of the season
making smiles bright

making me wish that
I had got the lights to work
so that I too could bring smiles to faces of strangers passing by

joys of the season ...
to bring a little bit of happiness
to spread the love

do you have your lights shining?

guess who just dropped by ...

Here I am just getting ice cubes from my fridge freezer
and what suddenly is hanging in front of my face
but a very large long legged spider
who then proceeded to drop into my freezer

Yikes ...
imagine! frozen spider legs ...

quickly swiped him onto the floor
and squished him with my napkin ...
lo and behold ...

he sure was a biggun!

storm warning ...

how I hate those words
storm warning
for the first time this season
and likely not the last ...
the infamous
storm warning
to let us all know that we should be tightening up the hatches
bunkering down
settling in for a long winter rest ...
storm warning ...
goodness how I hate those words!

the biggest loser ... is actually a winner in my book!

Here it is Tuesday,
I went out and did a few errands with a friend today,
we stopped for lunch at Timmys ...
came home for a little nap
had some soup for dinner
and then my brother in law came over
to give me a Reiki treatment ...
it is amazing the heat that is produced from the energy flowing
from his hands to my body ...
another friend came over to try it out and see if she liked it
and ended up staying and watching The Biggest Loser finale with me ...

It was a show she said that she never watched,
I can not say that ...
it was one that I tried to catch every week
it always impresses me
the stamina and the will power of these folks
to lose the weight and change their lives
and how somewhere along the journey to losing the weight
they discover the reason why they allowed themselves to get
to that weight in the first place.
The winner lost 239 pounds and now weighs 191 ...
woooo hooooo
he says that now he is happy, his kids are happy, his wife is happy ...

I am happy for him, because now he has a chance of being there for his kids. He said that he did it for his kids and he did a fabulous job and his kids should be proud. Although he is now officially the biggest loser, he actually is a winner and the whole group from this season should be happy for their accomplishments. Way to go!!!!!!

Saturdays ....

I have come to realize that the hardest day of the week for me is Saturday.
Every other day I get numerous calls from friends but on Saturday my phone is unusually silent ...
and I sit by myself and I think
which is not necessarily a good thing ...
I can only go grocery shopping so many times
not everyone is into mall walking
especially so close to Christmas
they want to shop ...
I need to stop the shopping ...
but I need the social contact,
I need the exercise
the getting out in public
but not too crowded a public ...

and I wish that I did not have to rely on others to keep me from feeling blue ...
but that is the way the dice have landed
at this stage of the game any how ...
who knows what the next roll of the dice will bring ...

maybe sunshine and warmth :)
that would be good.
c'mon white cells, boost yourselves will ya!

warm weather breezes ...

I went out for a walk to the mailbox and to the store by myself.
I rec'd a bitter reminder that winter is on it's way ...
the wind is brisk and seemed to blow right through
the nose started to run as soon as I entered the warmth of the store
and I wonder
when will my white count be high enough ...
what more can I do

I am more than ready for the warmth of the sun
summer breezes blowing through leafy palm trees
and just not needing to wear the layers upon layers
of warm winter clothing ...

and then it all goes back to those silly white cells ...
c'mon it is time to grow ...

singing the blues ... for the blues

Tonight, there is a benefit concert
a fundraiser for the agency that I work for,
plans have been in the works for months now
and tonight the big night is here ...

and I am going to miss out on it.
One of the hardest parts of being ill
is all of the things that I miss out on
all the things that I used to just take for granted
that I now must make almost major decisions about.
Should I or shouldn't I
even if I wear a mask
would it be safe or not ...

this is an event that I would have loved to have gone to ...
I love the music
but more than that I love the people
but it is those very same people who could
unknowningly put me into the hospital
and so tonight
I will sit at home
and maybe listen to my ipod
and dream of those days
when I will once again be able
to go out and listen to the blues
live, upfront and personal ...

someday ....

I wish that I could just feel well
I am tired of the sniffles
the congestion
the not being able to breathe

I asked the pharmacist for what he recommended
unfortunately, it does not seem to be working for me.

I need to be out and doing some walking
to maintain the muscle in my legs
and for my own sanity ...
one tends to go a little stir crazy
when looking at the same four walls
day after day ...

but when I go out
I need to be careful
bugs loom around me
attaching themselves to me
and thus the sniffles and the not being able to breathe ...

so what does one do?
when I figure it out I will let you know ...

'tis the season

My tree is up
the garland is strung along the balcony rail
little Santas are scattered throughout
and I have shortbread on the table ...
'tis the season to be jolly ...

how is it then that one email can totally
screw up my day, my mood, my spirit ...

one lousy email ...
hmmmmmm
tomorrow, I will just have to go and find some
lights to go on the garland ...
light up the way for the Christmas spirit ...
HO HO HO and off we go ...
'tis the season to be jolly!

when something works well, why change it?

I hate the fact that my having my children with me for Christmas day appears to be an issue with my ex. Although it has never really been discussed, each year, my sons have been with me on Christmas day and him on Boxing Day. It just has worked that way and I thought that it was working quite well that way. I am feeling quite vulnerable right now, the disease has a way of creeping up on me at times and blind siding me every once in a while and feelings of morose overwhelm me ... part of the game I guess. You can imagine my surprise when he more or less informed me that he expected them for dinner Christmas day. I ended up giving him more information about my condition than I perhaps wanted to share with him, but nonetheless felt that he should know for when the time comes. I should not have to ask his permission to spend time with my kids ... I shouldn't ... it is just not right.
and then I wonder how many others are there out there dealing with all kinds of illnesses who will be spending the holidays without their children close by, and it makes me sad ...
somewhere there should be a compromise ...

friends ...

Once again I have to thank my friends
those that are related
and those related by spirit ...

I have friends that I can call
and ask for a ride to the dr.
at short notice
those who will go and walk in a mall

they bring me dinner
because I am just too tired
to make dinner for myself

and I realize how much I love them
and how thankful I am to have them in my life!

Thank you ............

a little prayer

It is hard to believe that now when I pray,
I pray for a normal temperature
a day with minimal pain and discomfort.

I pray that the Angels Michael and Raphael
surround me and protect me under their wings
and help me through another day ...

Now when I pray
I pray for myself rather than for others,
and yet I still feel guilty
but at this time
I need to be caring and looking after myself ...

when I thought of a time for me
this was not what I thought
I thought of warm sunny beaches
southern night time skies
and spending time in warm tranquil waters ...

but now
it is forcing myself to eat
to remain positive
to think of tomorrow and next week
next month
and even better to think of next year
and the next ten years ...

and so goes my days ...
in thought and prayer.

the joy of an ipod ....

a recent gift to myself
knowing that I will have long periods of possible alone time
knowing that music is able to bring me joy
loading it now with music from my past, my now
and with new material from friends

I have a whole new appreciation
for the artists and their gifts
music to make your heart soar,
to make your toes dance
your tears flow
and the feeling of calm and peace ...

I love music
and I don't care if they saw me coming
I love my new ipod!

may the gift of music embrace your soul today ...
smiles :)

like a breath in the wind ...

I have noticed that people's attitudes are changing ...
they are more aware
conscious of the goings on in the lives of others
where as before
they were caught up in their own lives
their own stories and their own journeys
it wasn't until they realized that no one was there to listen
that they were missing something ...
funny how that happens
one day out of the blue
when you have always been there
to not be there
but I am here to tell you
I am still here
I am like a breath on the wind ...
my presence surrounds you
offers you comfort and support
that listening ear
the holder of the secrets
I share only what you wish to share ...
my presence like a whisper or a giggle or even an out loud voice ...

for you are my friend
I care about you
and I know that you care about me
that is what friendship is all about
some of my friends are related by blood
some by philosophy and like mindedness
some by the soul
and some are just because
because we genuinely like or love each other
but that is the joy of friendship
we do not have to be constant
it is a give and take relationship
sometimes one person needs more than another
and that is ok ...
and knowing that it is ok is even better ...

so like a breath on the wind ... I am there for you
my friend
as you are there for me ... even if you did not notice ....

sometimes one must remind oneself ...

that there is still the need to dance
to celebrate the you that you are
to recognize
that even in darkness there is light
and there is always music

the music changes
as does the dance

the tempo
the mood
the beat
the volume

as life changes
so does the dance ...
swirling to keep up,
matching the rythms, the pace, the glory ...

but still we dance
naked in our own brilliance .......

.......... I gotta friend .........

sometimes it is just knowing
that there is someone in your corner
that has been there before
with gentle smiles
hugs and laughter,
full of love
unconditional,

a friend
just because ...

knowing that this person is there
can make the difference
the difference in getting out of bed
of taking the 17 pills each morning
and the 5 to 9 each night ...

this person is different than a lover,
a sibling,
a bff in the big girl league ...

this is someone who has been where I have been,
seen the sights that I have seen,
walked the tight rope,
balanced on flip floppies so brightly hued
loved her boys ...
and has seen the sun rise yet again ...

and yet still
takes the time
to love a friend
unconditionally ...

I am blessed ........... love ya KateyB

the big C

The big C has been following me around all of my life,
it took my uncle before I was born
and all of his siblings, my mother included were to feel the wrath of the mighty C

for years I have watched the destruction of families,
people torn way before their time
from those that loved them and cared ...

I have watched the destruction of the body,
once strong and firm
a thing of beauty
be decimated to a fraction of what it was ...
the loss of hair, the change of skin, the nails that crack and split ...

and I sat and I watched and listened and observed
and cried myself to sleep at night ...
for the simple reason that I seem to get stuck

I get stuck on the fact that god
yes, I did say god ...
gives us only what we can handle ...
she/he gauges are strength and looks at what we have to work with
and then assesses what it is that we can ideally handle ...

and as I sit here now,
starting yet another round of chemo
knowing that the BIG chemo is less than a month away
I am wondering if the added pain
the shakey quivery feeling that precedes my getting out of bed
the nausea that I have to swallow down,
the inability to even go outdoors for a walk by myself
because I can no longer see worth a damn

and then I think
fuck it
fuck, fucking cancer
there is no fucking way that I will allow it to control my life ...

all of my fucking life,
there have been those that have tried to control
and now when the time is my own
to live out my destiny
to take control

I will
I will take control
cancer will not defeat me
it might pain me
cause me grief
it might mean that changes are made
that I need to adapt
it might mean that my hair falls from my head
and my skin feel like the sand on the desert
it might cause me to talk and think in vulgar mode ...

but
fuck it
Cancer will not defeat me .................................

one day ...

One day
Two days ...
the change in between ...

funny how at one time
all the days seem to flow
from one to the next
without any sense of rhythm or loss
always knowing that the next day would come ...

funny how, your perception can change
almost over night
and you realize in the night that all of the days are different now ...
that the rhythm you once knew
has been sent topsy turvey
and that life is just a touch shakier now ...
just a touch ....

and I wonder will it ever return ...

just hanging out with the boys ...

Sometimes
the best thing to do is just to hang out
to watch the faces of your kids
as they challenge each other in a video game
to watch the older cousin
tease and cajole the younger one
to challenge and question
making him work for the win ...

eating snacks and drinking beer with his aunt ...
just chatting about life

sometimes the best thing to do
is just hang out and be with the ones you love
even if all you do
is sit back and watch
the interactions
feeling the love ...

sometimes

the dentist ...

One of the things that I hate more than anything else in life
is to go to the dentist ...
there just have been too many hassles
too many scarey incidents
and too many men who think that they don't need to listen when you try and tell them that you are allergic to latex ...

but
part of my latest journey
requires that all dental care be up to date
and that I go into the transplant
with a healthy clean mouth
with little chance of infection ...
because once the big old dose of chemo hits
there is no going back ...

today I met with a dentist with a sense of humour
who deals only with medically compromised patients
specifically with cancer patients and more importantly
she deals with meloma patients and has presented papers and delivered talks at conferences
she knows what to do and what is required ...

and she took me on as a patient
knowing that the time is ticking on the clock until the big day of transplant ...
I have an appointment next week for 2 and one half hours ...
three extractions of broken teeth and one root canal ...
can you say ouch ....

but healing time is of the essence ............
and it is only one step at a time right ........???????

when it becomes self personal care ... it all changes!

Myeloma ... living with a killer
there have been times during the past couple of weeks
that it has taken all the resolve that I have not to have total melt downs
one of the side effects of the chemo drug that I am on
is the inability to stop from having crying spells
personally I think I am doing quite well
as I have only had three
three ... one ... two ... three
all of them have had to do with the loss of control

I never knew or at least recognized how anal I must have been
about being in control of my life
perhaps it was for much of my life I did not feel that I was in control
being abused does that to people
confronting the abuse and facing it head on gave me the control that had been taken away from me at the age of 4 ...

but here I was 51 years later
still hoping that I would be able to get through this with dignity and self respect
it is funny when you do personal care for others
how it takes on a whole new role when you really need to do it for yourself
that all of a sudden it becomes much more important
because all of a sudden things that were once easy
are no longer ......... easy, if only it was ....
but, I am still too proud,
too independent
and way too in need of being in control
to give in and ask for help yet ...

but the family and friends are circling
I was told tonight that when the time comes that there are a group
of friends that will take turns coming to spend the night
so that I do not have to be alone
that I should never be afraid to ask or to be alone
it is not nor should it ever be considered to be a part of the equation
that is the way it is ...

last week I feared that someone I have known for over 20 years
had also been diagnosed with this dreaded disease
and I felt horrible and I grieved for her
it was only in the light of the next day
that I recieved an email from her to let me know
that she was a member of the group only because her mother had been a myeloma patient
and has since passed from the disease and this is her way of helping others
she has been a source of support ever since
giving me her home phone, encouraging contact and for her to do what ever she could to support me, including sitting and holding my hand if need be or to travel with me to Disney to celebrate remission when the time comes ...
and I realized again how blessed I am with the people in my life ...

one meets people on their journey through life
I learned a long time ago from my mother,
that if you treat others the way that you would like to be treated
that you will do okay in life ...
it is a lesson that I have always tried to follow ...

I know that this is a difficult time for many in my life
but I also know that each and every one is there for me ...
encouraging and doing what it is that they are able to do ...
and I love each and everyone for what they are doing ...
I know that for some, there is too much information
but for others they do not feel that they have enough ...
for me to talk openly and honestly about this disease and how it is effecting me
is my way of dealing with it and it is also my way of informing people about myeloma itself
it is not a common well known cancer ...
it is very rare
it is not genetic and is not commonly something that family members would get ...
it is an enviornmental disease that if they can figure out the hows and whys
they might be able to stop it from happening to others ...

right now there are approximately 6000 Canadians living with myeloma
some records show that almost 2000 Canadians will be diagnosed this year
some people do not think the life expectancy is very long ...
the people I am meeting are looking at 4 to 5 years after transplant ... or 9 to 10 years ...
I have heard rumours of a 22 year survivor, a retired nurse that lives here in the London area ...

that is my goal ...
not to give up, to encourage research for drug and treatments ...
there may not be a cure right now, but who is to say in 2 years what will happen ...
in the past couple of months that I have been diagnosed, 2 drugs have been approved by the Ontario Government for payment ... that is huge!
my goal is to also teach people about the disease itself ...
to look at the patterns, to discover the commonality ...
my past experiences might help to lead to some answers ...
but I would really like to bring this disease to the public
to teach them about it and the importance of folks taking the time to look after themselves and to take themselves to the dr. when they do not feel well rather than to avoid the issues like I did.

Looking after oneself ...
it all goes back to that ...
whether doing personal care that you never thought you would look at,
as doing self personal care ...
or looking after oneself ... before it gets to be a need ...
go for the annual physical and blood work ...
if the dr. tells you you need to go for a test go for it ...
take the time for you ...
we are all worth it ...

some of us just need more time to discover it and follow through with it
life is for living ... one day at a time if necessary ... but definitely for living !!!!

taking it one day at a time ...

I realize that it has been awhile, since my last entry and I really should be trying to keep this updated ...
I am just finishing my second round of chemo and then I am off for about a week, regroup, go to the clinic and get all my blood work done and find out hopefully the day of my transplant.
I have been doing a great deal of reading on myeloma and now have a pretty good understanding of the process that I will be going thru and the importance of a positive state of mind and body when entering into the process. I am looking at a three week stay in the hospital most of which I will be in an isolation room ... :) something to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside ...
the closer I get to the date, the smaller my world seems to become ... but I feel optimistic.
I am already planning on my remission treat, getting away and spending some time at a timeshare in Florida and just enjoying some sunshine in the early winter late fall ... the last time I went to Florida was just before being diagnosed ... I had a really rough time while I was there and seriously thought of signing myself into hospital, which is highly irregular for me. I was convinced that I was having a heart attack, turns out that my heart is very healthy ... a good thing in my books ...
hmmmmmmmmmmm living with cancer, an interesting concept ...

tears on my pillow .............

Today is one of those days when I really am not feeling well,
I have bouts of nausea and yet know that I should eat ...
I had three nose bleeds yesterday
one the day before and one the day before that ...
my blood looks like it is all watered down now
loosing its bright shiny redness to a runny blah ...
and yet my veins in my body continue to be a bright vibrant blue ...

someone asked me ... 'are you worried'
I bluster up the courage and say I will be all right ..........
but then when I am alone
I have to ask myself
but will I?
and then the tears start to fall ...............

crocus ...

I saw a picture in todays news
of crocus blooming in front of the Eiffel Tower
and I felt a little sad

maybe that is what is missing today
is a little colour in my life
grey dismal skies
drizzle in the air


melting piles of dinghy coloured snow ...

and yet
in Paris
the crocus are blooming
wish I was there now ...

the music plays ...

I am sitting here listening to

Mr. Bobby Rush
visualizing him in my mind
as I hear his words
and hear him play his harp
knowing that his eyes were twinkling
as he recorded his tunes
his dirty little ditties
meant to bring a smile to your face
with his bag full of props

sending his love of people and joy in life
abounding out into the crowd
shaking hands,
buzzing cheeks
those tight squeezing hugs ...
his tunes guaranteed to make you dance

and as I go about
cleaning house
doing laundry
making the bed ...
I do so with a dance in my step
cause in my soul

the music plays ...

do I like to travel was the question asked of me ...

I love to travel
to see new sites
to meet new people
I like to watch the faces of children before they are grown up too soon

I like to watch the colours of the sky
to see the hues of the setting sun
awaking early the next morn to see the new day arise
I like to smell the smells at the markets
to feel the colour of the cloth
I love the feel of the sand under my toes
and the special smell of the waves splashing my feet

I like to see their homes
the adornments that they make
the colours that they use
the flowers in their gardens
and to peek and see if they have a sense of humour
and have included little garden gnomes ...

I love to sit outside in the sun and feel her glorious rays beam down upon my cheek
and to soak up the aura and the energy of all those who have sat in that same place
and to feel content
the content in knowing that I am not the first
nor will I be the last
to sit in that same exact spot,
feeling that same exact way ...

I like to wander through the cemeteries
and feel the love
of those that have gone before
reading their names
and following their familial lines
feeling the grief of the parents who lost their wee ones to small pox
holding them in their arms for their final breaths ...
and yet in the very next line will be the story of a man who lived to be
104 years and 37 days
a man who died with his boots on!

I want to dance in a field full of flowers
and feel their essence immerse me
arms out stretched and feeling the glow and the power of the sun ...

I want to see a whale swimming in the ocean
I have always been too far away
and seem to catch the very tale end ...
to feel the spray of the sea and hear the birds scream on by ...

I want to see and feel the wonder of this glorious place we call home
this planet earth ...
and so you ask me if I like to travel ...
hmmmmmm
how can I answer with a simple yes ...

a thought to ponder ...

I am wondering what makes it so that a person
will grab onto and try to maintain
a relationship with someone that they know is all wrong for them
is it something about the ticking time piece
ticking within our soul
reminding us that there is a reason for our presence on this earth

there are those that would argue and say we are here
to populate the planet ...
well, well done I say
it would seem that some parts are now over populated
and feeding the masses
can no longer be done with a few loaves and some fishes ...

I believe our time here is short
we should make the best of it while we can
staying in an abuseful relationship
is not a good thing
having one person harping continually on the other is not a good thing
unless that makes you happy
and in that case ..
hey, god bless !!!
but no one likes to feel that they are being used
it is not our role in life to be with someone else 24/7 everyday
to center our entire world around that one's persons every whim or desire
in order for a healthy relationship
both partners need to give and take, it can not always go in one direction
they need to bring different things to the table, interests, hobbies, life skills ...
it tends to get pretty boring after awhile when there is nothing left to say
because one of the partners does nothing to enhance their lives outside of their partner.

Life is funny
do we really need to settle
when by opening up our possibilities
we can learn to dance ...

even naked in our own brilliance?

February 19, 2009

I am now the mother of a 27 year old .........
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
where has all the time gone?