the big C

The big C has been following me around all of my life,
it took my uncle before I was born
and all of his siblings, my mother included were to feel the wrath of the mighty C

for years I have watched the destruction of families,
people torn way before their time
from those that loved them and cared ...

I have watched the destruction of the body,
once strong and firm
a thing of beauty
be decimated to a fraction of what it was ...
the loss of hair, the change of skin, the nails that crack and split ...

and I sat and I watched and listened and observed
and cried myself to sleep at night ...
for the simple reason that I seem to get stuck

I get stuck on the fact that god
yes, I did say god ...
gives us only what we can handle ...
she/he gauges are strength and looks at what we have to work with
and then assesses what it is that we can ideally handle ...

and as I sit here now,
starting yet another round of chemo
knowing that the BIG chemo is less than a month away
I am wondering if the added pain
the shakey quivery feeling that precedes my getting out of bed
the nausea that I have to swallow down,
the inability to even go outdoors for a walk by myself
because I can no longer see worth a damn

and then I think
fuck it
fuck, fucking cancer
there is no fucking way that I will allow it to control my life ...

all of my fucking life,
there have been those that have tried to control
and now when the time is my own
to live out my destiny
to take control

I will
I will take control
cancer will not defeat me
it might pain me
cause me grief
it might mean that changes are made
that I need to adapt
it might mean that my hair falls from my head
and my skin feel like the sand on the desert
it might cause me to talk and think in vulgar mode ...

but
fuck it
Cancer will not defeat me .................................