three little words .....

I read a blog this morning by a very dear friend and realized that I had some thoughts and emotions to work through myself ......
I did some earlier blogging, some journalling and then crawled back into the warmth and security of my big, beautiful princess bed ............

I continued to think about the changes in my life over the past two years,
how things have changed,
how I have grown spiritually
with the strength of my own personal self knowledge and how I now have the wings and have given myself the permission to soar .............
and to be .......
the naturally creative resourceful gifted woman that I am destined to be ........

and I thought of all of the moments in life that were/are symbolic ............

and I realized that there is a section filed under the heading of
"I love you.........."

I can think of several times when the emotions brought on by these three little words have brought me to tears and this overwhelming sense of a heart that would burst from the love that it holds .........

On my wedding day, when the judge thought that our witnesses were the ones getting married, because the two of us looked like we had been together for ever, we were so well matched ..... he started his vows with "I love you and will forever ...."

At the birth of each son, the poignant moment of such a beautiful shared endeavor .........

I have a picture of my oldest child, he was three months of age, in the picture he is signing "I love you ...." The deaf friends that I was working with then, still refer to him as the "I love you .. baby"

I remember getting the call from the hospital to tell me that the end was near for my mom and if I wanted to say goodbye, now was the time ..... trying to reach my siblings and to let them know but unable to contact any of them ...... sitting at her bedside, holding her hand she looked into my eyes and said "you know, I have always loved you ......" I hated every single moment when I had yelled and screamed at her with all my teenage angst that I was sure that she was not my "real" mother and that she had never ever loved me ... I remember looking back at her with my eyes full of tears saying "I know, I love you too ....." my siblings never got that chance as she slipped into a coma shortly after ..... I think she was waiting to tell me before she started on her final journey, the battle with cancer just too much to fight another day ......

I remember the day my youngest, when he was about two, (I had just returned from another excrutiating bout of physio and to see the rehab specialist and he told me to quit my job or I would be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. My spinal cord was almost completely severed and I thought my life would be over,)greeted me when I went to pick him up at the sitters, with the biggest, most gentle hug and gazed up into my blue eyes with those huge big trusting blue eyes of his and said "I lub you Mommy ........."
a private moment that continues to some extent even today .........

My oldest first example of cursive writing which I still have, sap that I am ...... a single line on the page ........
"I love you Mommy"

flash forward ......... lots of the I love yous, the hugs and kisses ..........

a moment in time shared with my then hubby, one of our best intimate moments, tender and loving when he looked me in the eye and said "you know that I love you" and my response was "I know, and I love you ........" only to find out the next day that he was leaving me, my bed, our love ......

for weeks/months after he would tell me that he loved me and that he would always love me, until I could bear it no more and asked that we only have contact through email .............
and even now I know that he still does, for he has told others, who have felt the need to tell me, but he is caught up in circumstances and even if the door was open he would be afraid to enter in once again .............

I remember the first time that a man other than my husband told me those little words "I love you .." and my response was "you do???? " with a question in my voice ...........

As I have learned to love myself again, I have opened myself up to be loved by others ....... I have never stopped loving others, it was only myself that I doubted .........
but that I hid from even myself, so there you go ...
and now I think of the last man to tell me that he loved me, and the anguish in his voice, as he fought the demons within ..........

and I whisper through the universe .........
I know, I know my friend, I know .........
I love you too ............

and so .................
another glimpse inside
a momentary reflection ........

I love you .............
three little words
with an impact that can change your life ......

xoxox