I wonder ...............

I have had the opportunity this week to do some reflection .......
There are times when I feel that I have come so far in my journey ......
and then I feel myself slip back in a mere second ...
for those that have followed my blog for awhile ...
you know that I am someone who was first sexually abused when I was 4 ........
it ended, I thought a couple years prior to my marriage .........
it was crushing to discover that when my marriage ended I was told that he had only married me for the sex ..........
he tried to quickly cover his words, but he had said them out loud ......
they sliced through like a knife ........
my heart bled freely and with an open wound ...
and once again I felt that I had been wanted for my body .......... not for the woman inside ....

it was only after the door was closed behind him that I sat down and discovered things about myself that I had never admitted out loud ......

my dirty little secret is no longer secret,
I no longer have to feel bad or dirty because I do enjoy sex .......
I was too young to know anything except that it felt good, the confliction with social mores came much later and by that time I was already "damaged goods"........
it's funny how you can reinvent yourself and hide behind a facade not letting anyone deep inside ...
allowing outsiders to only see and to know what it is that you want them to know ......
I have read several blogs over the past few days and I have been touched by the sincerity of them,
how many of us have had our own share of pain that we have built up that protective core, hiding that second cherry from anyone who might get too close.
I wonder how many of us would be willing to give up all of the flirtations, the hotel visits, the wild, wanton sexual trysts if we could but find that one person that would hold us tight each night and be there to watch the sunrise while holding hands the next morning ........

I wonder ............