think about it ....................

I
find it funny
how
sometimes
you find
a
friend
in the strangest of
ways ....

shared ex lovers
a
twist
of
fate

knowing
darn
well
that
if
it
was known
all hell
would
break
loose
!!
!



I find it funny ...........

help me to understand ..................

There
is
none
so
blind
as
the
one
who
refuses
to
open
his/her
eyes
to
see

a message from the universe ....

"Think beyond your present dreams, to the dreams you will have once they've already come true.

And when you can clearly see that life and those dreams in your mind's eye;
how confident you will walk and how proud you will feel-
-Start walking and feeling like that today."

this was my message from the universe today .....
the tune "these boots were made for walking" running through my thoughts ....
and so taking those steps towards
living my dream ...

on line dating ............ why do we do it???

do you ever wonder what it is that draws one person to another .......
is it the picture?
or the lack of one ....
making one curious as to the actual person who is ...
the meeting and melding of the mind ........
similar thoughts ........
similar desires ........
is it availability,
is it just a lark .....
something to do .......
a summer with no real plans ........

I wonder sometimes,
if it is the thrill .....
the thrill of doing the dirty .......
like
"our little secret...."

or
could it be a cry to be recognized .....
a partnership gone sour
or at the very least stale .....
taking the risks,
playing the game ....

what is it
that makes it ok
in some folks minds
to think that they can
fuck
with the minds of others .....

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder .......

I wonder ...............

I have had the opportunity this week to do some reflection .......
There are times when I feel that I have come so far in my journey ......
and then I feel myself slip back in a mere second ...
for those that have followed my blog for awhile ...
you know that I am someone who was first sexually abused when I was 4 ........
it ended, I thought a couple years prior to my marriage .........
it was crushing to discover that when my marriage ended I was told that he had only married me for the sex ..........
he tried to quickly cover his words, but he had said them out loud ......
they sliced through like a knife ........
my heart bled freely and with an open wound ...
and once again I felt that I had been wanted for my body .......... not for the woman inside ....

it was only after the door was closed behind him that I sat down and discovered things about myself that I had never admitted out loud ......

my dirty little secret is no longer secret,
I no longer have to feel bad or dirty because I do enjoy sex .......
I was too young to know anything except that it felt good, the confliction with social mores came much later and by that time I was already "damaged goods"........
it's funny how you can reinvent yourself and hide behind a facade not letting anyone deep inside ...
allowing outsiders to only see and to know what it is that you want them to know ......
I have read several blogs over the past few days and I have been touched by the sincerity of them,
how many of us have had our own share of pain that we have built up that protective core, hiding that second cherry from anyone who might get too close.
I wonder how many of us would be willing to give up all of the flirtations, the hotel visits, the wild, wanton sexual trysts if we could but find that one person that would hold us tight each night and be there to watch the sunrise while holding hands the next morning ........

I wonder ............

leaving a mark ..........

I had the chance on Tuesday this week to go and visit Pt. Pelee.
The colours had not really started to turn
except in spurts along the 401,
the birds seemed to be hiding with the exception of a few hawks,
the gulls and hundreds of blue jays.
I remember at one point walking thru the woods and seeing a single leaf,
hanging,
invisible,
connected
to a broken branch,
no
visible signs
of life,
this single leaf,
twirling,
shades of red and brown,
edges
beginning to curl,
just
twirling,
sunlight
glancing
off
ragged edge,
just
twirling,
catching
the
odd
breeze,
but
slowly circling,
twirling.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
makes one think
about how even
in life's final moments
you can still
make an impact
be a thing of beauty
keep on moving
rise and fall,
with the flow of life around you ....

it made me think ...............

The wooden bowl ....

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl

tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson.

The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.



The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and

failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.

When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
'We must do something about father,' said the son.

'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded,

'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.

Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.

Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,

neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens,

how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:

a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,

you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life..'

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.

You need to be able to throw something back



I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you

But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others,

your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

the mantra ........

I have a mantra.
I never used to have one.
It is something that came to mind
while taking co-active life coaching .....

There is something about the process
whereby you shed all your layers,
all the pretences .....
and there is no longer any where to hide.

The inner you
comes bubbling to the surface
the need to seek the enlightenment
the need to be .......

the need to be ......
just be ..........

I realized that I had never been,
I know that sounds very odd ...
but .........
I had never been just me.

I had always been someone's daughter,
someone's sister,
someone's mother,
someone's wife,
someone's staff ..........

I had lost me
and the essence of who I am ......

coaching taught me
how wonderful
I really am,
creative,
thoughtful,
respectful,
empathetic,
loving,
sharing,
giving and so on ........

it also taught me
how sensual,
how sexy,
how erotic,
how pleasurable,
how creative,
how kinky
and so on .......
that I am.

I now know that only I limit my goals
and how high I will fly ......
only I listen to my own gremlins ......
no more excuses, no more promises ....
it is all up to me.

and so if you are travelling somewhere south west of Toronto and you see a woman frolicking au naturel in an orb or sphere of glowing light, her freckles obvious and blue eyes shining, arms upstretched to better absorb all of those positive energies .......... don't worry.

It will only be me,
"dancing naked in my own brilliance" ....

I'll be the one wondering when the heck all the rest of Y'all will be joining me .........

Trust .........

What do you do when a trust has been broken?
When something that you thought was real
could not possibly be
for it is all built on a charade
How do you feel about the person ........
Do you reach out and try to offer
love and support because you know that they need it
or do you protect yourself ..........
what do you do ?????????

especially when you do care .......
perhaps too much!

A note for a friend ...........

Lying in bed
I can feel the darkness
ebbing around me
feeling its' closeness
the way it blankets and protects .....
sinking into its' safety
I unzip my chest ....
rescuing the battered and bruised heart
from within .....
stroking it tenderly
I feel the pain of being kicked to the curb,
cut from the pack, so to say ......
holding it in my hands
and I watch it pulsate in place ....
feeling the raw emotion
as it eeks out its sorrow ......
feeling all of the negativity
slowly ooze from within ........
I watch in the glow of its' light
as one single drop
of the darkest, deepest red blood
forms into a single tear
and I know ........
that I will be all right
for I have the darkness to protect me
and the light will come in the morning
and I will dance in my brilliance of life and colour .........
but what of the man
that lives in the darkness ........
chained to the coldness and the solitude
and his own living hell ......
the one who slams the door on love and hope
preferring to live in his own private hole,
dank, cold and unforgiving .......
glimpses of life as it could be,
smothered and distorted by maniacal visions .......
but afraid to admit
that he is infallible
that he can not do it alone .........
crying in his sleep
when he is not able to turn his emotion chip off
the uber wolf inside at peace .........
but only for the moment .......
never knowing when he might once again
raise his ugly head
and devour and rip to shreds
all that lie in his path ..........

and my heart bleeds
for the man that could be .........
with a final caress,
a single tear
I replace the battered heart
deep within the protective chest .....
zip her back up
and watch as the light streaks back through my window ........

Mental health is such a wide open field .....
I hope and I pray that someday,
somewhere,
hopefully every where
the stigma will no longer have importance
and people will seek
the medical help that they need
rather than try and hide .......
and realize that it is ok to seek intervention
and that with todays medications
there is hope .......
the demons can be laid to rest ........
I hope ...........
I really do hope ...........

with love and respect .....
L

Sometimes .....

Sometimes
when we look too hard
we tend to overlook
what was there
all the time

perhaps
it is time
yet again
to be
just
be
and to
rejoice
in the

being
*

dancing naked in my own brilliance

Any day now I am expecting to receive my final divorce papers .............
it was not something that I wanted
but so it is ........
I remember being 18
and having a cousin, a good friend, and neighbours down the street
all getting their divorces in the same month .....
I watched how their lives changed ......
my parents separated for the final time during the same time .......
I had already left home
but I saw my mother struggling
I decided at this time
that I was not going to do that
I was going to find me a man
that would satisfy me in every way
and I would stick with him no matter what
for eternity
cause that is what I signed on for
the for ever and ever part .........
til death do us part ........
so I did my playing ........
even tried out a few relationships,
test drove them so to say ......
along the way ........
when I married I thought that it would be forever
we had already been practicing for almost 4 years after all,
but I married because of old fashioned values, it was a different time then, it seemed the right thing to do .......
he always told me that I was the good wife, the good mother, the best of lovers, even after he left he told me this several times ........
if it was now, I wonder if I would have done it differently .........
but, I regress ........
we were together from the time I was 23 until I was 51 .......... the prime of my life
I have two of the most amazing sons that if not for him, I would not have .......
it was only after he left that the "boys" and I discovered how little input he had actually had in their lives ...........
but he did what he could .........
he had his own demons and has only moved them to a different household ........
I have been told that I enabled him,
that I never allowed him to stand up and be a man,
loving him and making excuses for him ......
but I thought that was what you do when you love someone, you do for them ...........

I realize now,
that it should be
that you do WITH them .........

and now two years later,
it has come around to waiting for the final papers,
I was the one who pushed for them so that I could be free to go my own way ..........
so that once again people would forget and move on and perhaps regain respect for this man who was just too weak to stand on his own ......
the wait ..........
the agonizing wait .........
the point where your life stands still .....

there are times
when I am out somewhere
doing all of the things that I do ......
and I get this sensation of someone watching me ...
and I see him standing there
with such a look of longing ..........
or, I pick up the phone without looking to see who the caller is
and I hear his voice .......
the surprise evident ........
the love and caring still there ..........
and I close my eyes
and answer his socially deemed polite questions
in as non committal way as I can ....
easing out of the conversation as quickly as possible .......
we once used to talk for hours .........
thoughts and words tossed into the air ......
two souls finding their own way,
dancing the dance of life .....
but somewhere along the way
our dances became more frequently solos ......
and other things got in our way.
One of us holding on to the past,
a place where he had put his life on hold, still waiting to live out all of those high school dreams ...
and one of us dancing into the future to avoid the past,
the what had beens ..........
two very different dances .........

and now I wait .........
my dance card has different dances on it now ...
some very different type of dancers ......
some will always have a place in my heart ...
and some fall under the "what the fuck" category ...
I have met some people that I could see dancing with for a very long time .......
and some that you deek into the bathroom on your first available turn on the floor ....

things have changed ........
nothing is ever static and remaining the same ...
I am much wiser now
sadder now
but yet happier than ever before ........
because I now determine my own dance .......

and as I have said before .......
sometime
if you see while driving
through somewhere south west of Toronto,
a shining orb of glowing light
surrounding a woman with blue eyes, freckles and long dark hair, twirling and dancing .....

it will only be me,
dancing naked in my own brilliance

wondering what the heck is taking everyone so long to join me ............

so while I wait for what will come ........
shall we dance???

three little words .....

I read a blog this morning by a very dear friend and realized that I had some thoughts and emotions to work through myself ......
I did some earlier blogging, some journalling and then crawled back into the warmth and security of my big, beautiful princess bed ............

I continued to think about the changes in my life over the past two years,
how things have changed,
how I have grown spiritually
with the strength of my own personal self knowledge and how I now have the wings and have given myself the permission to soar .............
and to be .......
the naturally creative resourceful gifted woman that I am destined to be ........

and I thought of all of the moments in life that were/are symbolic ............

and I realized that there is a section filed under the heading of
"I love you.........."

I can think of several times when the emotions brought on by these three little words have brought me to tears and this overwhelming sense of a heart that would burst from the love that it holds .........

On my wedding day, when the judge thought that our witnesses were the ones getting married, because the two of us looked like we had been together for ever, we were so well matched ..... he started his vows with "I love you and will forever ...."

At the birth of each son, the poignant moment of such a beautiful shared endeavor .........

I have a picture of my oldest child, he was three months of age, in the picture he is signing "I love you ...." The deaf friends that I was working with then, still refer to him as the "I love you .. baby"

I remember getting the call from the hospital to tell me that the end was near for my mom and if I wanted to say goodbye, now was the time ..... trying to reach my siblings and to let them know but unable to contact any of them ...... sitting at her bedside, holding her hand she looked into my eyes and said "you know, I have always loved you ......" I hated every single moment when I had yelled and screamed at her with all my teenage angst that I was sure that she was not my "real" mother and that she had never ever loved me ... I remember looking back at her with my eyes full of tears saying "I know, I love you too ....." my siblings never got that chance as she slipped into a coma shortly after ..... I think she was waiting to tell me before she started on her final journey, the battle with cancer just too much to fight another day ......

I remember the day my youngest, when he was about two, (I had just returned from another excrutiating bout of physio and to see the rehab specialist and he told me to quit my job or I would be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life. My spinal cord was almost completely severed and I thought my life would be over,)greeted me when I went to pick him up at the sitters, with the biggest, most gentle hug and gazed up into my blue eyes with those huge big trusting blue eyes of his and said "I lub you Mommy ........."
a private moment that continues to some extent even today .........

My oldest first example of cursive writing which I still have, sap that I am ...... a single line on the page ........
"I love you Mommy"

flash forward ......... lots of the I love yous, the hugs and kisses ..........

a moment in time shared with my then hubby, one of our best intimate moments, tender and loving when he looked me in the eye and said "you know that I love you" and my response was "I know, and I love you ........" only to find out the next day that he was leaving me, my bed, our love ......

for weeks/months after he would tell me that he loved me and that he would always love me, until I could bear it no more and asked that we only have contact through email .............
and even now I know that he still does, for he has told others, who have felt the need to tell me, but he is caught up in circumstances and even if the door was open he would be afraid to enter in once again .............

I remember the first time that a man other than my husband told me those little words "I love you .." and my response was "you do???? " with a question in my voice ...........

As I have learned to love myself again, I have opened myself up to be loved by others ....... I have never stopped loving others, it was only myself that I doubted .........
but that I hid from even myself, so there you go ...
and now I think of the last man to tell me that he loved me, and the anguish in his voice, as he fought the demons within ..........

and I whisper through the universe .........
I know, I know my friend, I know .........
I love you too ............

and so .................
another glimpse inside
a momentary reflection ........

I love you .............
three little words
with an impact that can change your life ......

xoxox

whewwwwwwwww .......

Recent events have made me realize that I had stopped
spending time for myself ......
I had to have a friend slap me upside the head
and say STOP IT!
She made me realize that I can not carry the burden
of the world on my shoulders ...........
If a friend is ill, I can not cure them .....
If a friend has a break down, I can not rebuild them,
If other people are stressed to the max,
my trying to take over their stress will only give me
stress and probably not relieve theirs at all .........
my children's relationship with their sperm donor
is their relationship and the sperm donor is the one
who needs to apologize so that they can hopefully
have some semblance of what they once had ......
I am and always will be, the Mom who loves them
and they know that ......
I have to stop worrying about the kids, they are 21 and 25 ...........
time for them to fly away and leave the nest ...........
I have to continue to purge the house, sell it and move on ..........
stop worrying about everyone else and look at
ME ......

funny, how deep down I know all of these things,

but because of who I am ...............

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
it is always, and has always been
everyone else first
me last ..........

time to adjust my focus,
pull up my socks
grit my teeth
and stop making excuses .............

here I gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

the question ..........

I have learned that if someone is dealing with mental health issues, that unless he is able to recognize that there is a problem it may never be resolved no matter how many people love him and care about him ...........
Denial is a terrible thing ............
especially when you know that hiding inside is the same wonderful, caring, intelligent, sensitive, sensual person that you have known, but the darker demons have taken over and are now in control ....

Why is it so much easier for some people to seek help and so hard for others?

hmmmmmmmm that would be the question ....

Anticipation

One day ..........
one day at a time ......
anticipation
mixed reactions .......

one day at a time ......

Have you ever been waiting
waiting for something .......
that could make huge differences in your life .....
maybe for better
maybe for worse ...........

and you are waiting ........
one day
one day at a time ......

bring on tomorrow .........
I want to dance!

25 days and counting

I decided a long time ago when I was still in my teens,
that when I got married it would be forever.
Funny how some things change .....

in 25 more sleeps
I will be officially divorced and ready to proceed
with the next stage of my life ......

the next time round
I am going to go for the passion
I seem to have missed out on that the first time round.
I married my best friend,
for 30 years
I have been married to a man
that it would seem that I never really knew,
the saddest part being
I think that he is still waiting to discover who he is as well .....

but for myself,
I have rediscovered
the joys in life
the things that make it good
the colour that adds the spice
I am living in colour
and doing it out loud.

25 more sleeps .........