the smells of Christmas ...

There is something about the smells at Christmas
that are only there for the one time of the year
the smell of the evergreen tree,
fresh from the forest
or closest tree lot on a corner ...
the smell of shortbread baking
in the oven
the richness of the butter oozing out
the smell of chocolate
truffles, M&M's, cookies, eclairs or whatevers ...
the smell of turkey
roasting in the oven
the stuffing bursting out and turning brown ...

I love the smells of Christmas ...
some of my favourite things!

winter ...

The thing about winter
is that it is cold ...
when I was younger
I used to enjoy winter to a certain degree

but now that I am older
I fail to see the reason
for it ...
it is much too cold to be pleasant out
you see people scurry quickly by
hoping to get to their destinations
as quickly as possible
so that they are able to warm their bodies up

winter, complete with snow ...
there are more accidents
with those driving in the snow
the roads are slippery
and when the snow is falling
the visibility is lessened

people complain all the time
about driving in the snow
something that I do not have to worry about just yet
for it will be a while
before I am able to drive again
if ever ...

winter, what was the reason again ...
I seem to have forgotten
someone once told me
that it was for the fields to rest
but what about tropical countries
where they have no snow or winter
they still grow things year round ...

hmmmm winter!!!! sighhhhhhhhhhh ....

When I say that I am alone
I am talking of the physical presence
I know that I have people who I am constantly in their thoughts
but it is not quite the same as having someone here
to give me a hug when I need it
to just be around when I am bored
and seeking attention from another breathing source

I have been told that I am never alone
but I am ...
I fear sometimes that I am alone much too much

but tonight in a couple of hours
my son will be here
to spend a couple of days
I miss both of my sons
you would think now that it has been over a year
I would be used to living on my own ...
nope, not this girl ...

it must be too many years of living with others
have kind of put me in a spot where I really miss
the noise and clutter that others make ...

I don't like being alone ...

It is hard to be alone ...

One of the hardest things about being alone
is just that
being alone ...
it is hard to be alone when you are not feeling well
you can not go out
just for the sake of going out
everything has to be arranged
now that I am not able to drive anymore
it is even harder
for I find that I must rely on others
all of the time

so when I am at home alone
where as before I would just hop in the car and go
somewhere, anywhere ...
after all Walmart is open 24 hours now until Christmas
I must now rely on friends
to give me rides

the only thing is now
is a busy time of year
people have their own things to do
and they are busy trying to get
all of their own things done
before the big day
and do not always have the time
or do they think of me
sitting here, by myself ...

it is hard to be alone ...

You were there ...

You were there when I needed you ...
words from the movie
Jack Frost
but meaningful right now in my life ...

it is hard sometimes to tell people
that they are there just for when you needed them most
and the words from the song
hit home

I sit here tonight
knowing that I could have gone out
with some friends
to dinner and a show
but did not feel up to it

I also had made tentative plans
to go and see the lights
at Pinafore park in St. Thomas
but a late return from Windsor
and having to work tomorrow
changed my driver's mind ...
and that is ok
because I know that there will be other times
and I know
that when I really need her to be there
she is always there ...

as are many of my family and friends ...
so thank you ...
for being there when I needed you!

shopping ...

I am glad that I have most of my shopping done
I need to go to the grocery store
and that is about it
but first I need to find space in my freezer
to store the Christmas bird

There is something about the smell of turkey
that makes the warm spot inside glow
the knowledge of family and friends together
feeling the love and joy of the season

so, sometimes the shopping means that you find the perfect gift
for the person that you have the most problems shopping for
and you just feel good inside
because you know the joy your gift will bring ...
so all those hours of shopping
and spending way to much money, but thinking that it would be something that they would enjoy or could use ...
part of the joy of shopping ...

this year, the shopping was done without a list ...
lots of the stand bys that given every year ...
socks, boxers, and sleep pants ...
and a few surprises thrown in ...

gotta love shopping ...
especially when it is done with love ...

Christmas fairy lights
twinkling in the night
colours bright and hued

splashing colour in the night

joys of the season
making smiles bright

making me wish that
I had got the lights to work
so that I too could bring smiles to faces of strangers passing by

joys of the season ...
to bring a little bit of happiness
to spread the love

do you have your lights shining?

guess who just dropped by ...

Here I am just getting ice cubes from my fridge freezer
and what suddenly is hanging in front of my face
but a very large long legged spider
who then proceeded to drop into my freezer

Yikes ...
imagine! frozen spider legs ...

quickly swiped him onto the floor
and squished him with my napkin ...
lo and behold ...

he sure was a biggun!

storm warning ...

how I hate those words
storm warning
for the first time this season
and likely not the last ...
the infamous
storm warning
to let us all know that we should be tightening up the hatches
bunkering down
settling in for a long winter rest ...
storm warning ...
goodness how I hate those words!

the biggest loser ... is actually a winner in my book!

Here it is Tuesday,
I went out and did a few errands with a friend today,
we stopped for lunch at Timmys ...
came home for a little nap
had some soup for dinner
and then my brother in law came over
to give me a Reiki treatment ...
it is amazing the heat that is produced from the energy flowing
from his hands to my body ...
another friend came over to try it out and see if she liked it
and ended up staying and watching The Biggest Loser finale with me ...

It was a show she said that she never watched,
I can not say that ...
it was one that I tried to catch every week
it always impresses me
the stamina and the will power of these folks
to lose the weight and change their lives
and how somewhere along the journey to losing the weight
they discover the reason why they allowed themselves to get
to that weight in the first place.
The winner lost 239 pounds and now weighs 191 ...
woooo hooooo
he says that now he is happy, his kids are happy, his wife is happy ...

I am happy for him, because now he has a chance of being there for his kids. He said that he did it for his kids and he did a fabulous job and his kids should be proud. Although he is now officially the biggest loser, he actually is a winner and the whole group from this season should be happy for their accomplishments. Way to go!!!!!!

Saturdays ....

I have come to realize that the hardest day of the week for me is Saturday.
Every other day I get numerous calls from friends but on Saturday my phone is unusually silent ...
and I sit by myself and I think
which is not necessarily a good thing ...
I can only go grocery shopping so many times
not everyone is into mall walking
especially so close to Christmas
they want to shop ...
I need to stop the shopping ...
but I need the social contact,
I need the exercise
the getting out in public
but not too crowded a public ...

and I wish that I did not have to rely on others to keep me from feeling blue ...
but that is the way the dice have landed
at this stage of the game any how ...
who knows what the next roll of the dice will bring ...

maybe sunshine and warmth :)
that would be good.
c'mon white cells, boost yourselves will ya!

warm weather breezes ...

I went out for a walk to the mailbox and to the store by myself.
I rec'd a bitter reminder that winter is on it's way ...
the wind is brisk and seemed to blow right through
the nose started to run as soon as I entered the warmth of the store
and I wonder
when will my white count be high enough ...
what more can I do

I am more than ready for the warmth of the sun
summer breezes blowing through leafy palm trees
and just not needing to wear the layers upon layers
of warm winter clothing ...

and then it all goes back to those silly white cells ...
c'mon it is time to grow ...

singing the blues ... for the blues

Tonight, there is a benefit concert
a fundraiser for the agency that I work for,
plans have been in the works for months now
and tonight the big night is here ...

and I am going to miss out on it.
One of the hardest parts of being ill
is all of the things that I miss out on
all the things that I used to just take for granted
that I now must make almost major decisions about.
Should I or shouldn't I
even if I wear a mask
would it be safe or not ...

this is an event that I would have loved to have gone to ...
I love the music
but more than that I love the people
but it is those very same people who could
unknowningly put me into the hospital
and so tonight
I will sit at home
and maybe listen to my ipod
and dream of those days
when I will once again be able
to go out and listen to the blues
live, upfront and personal ...

someday ....

I wish that I could just feel well
I am tired of the sniffles
the congestion
the not being able to breathe

I asked the pharmacist for what he recommended
unfortunately, it does not seem to be working for me.

I need to be out and doing some walking
to maintain the muscle in my legs
and for my own sanity ...
one tends to go a little stir crazy
when looking at the same four walls
day after day ...

but when I go out
I need to be careful
bugs loom around me
attaching themselves to me
and thus the sniffles and the not being able to breathe ...

so what does one do?
when I figure it out I will let you know ...

'tis the season

My tree is up
the garland is strung along the balcony rail
little Santas are scattered throughout
and I have shortbread on the table ...
'tis the season to be jolly ...

how is it then that one email can totally
screw up my day, my mood, my spirit ...

one lousy email ...
hmmmmmm
tomorrow, I will just have to go and find some
lights to go on the garland ...
light up the way for the Christmas spirit ...
HO HO HO and off we go ...
'tis the season to be jolly!

when something works well, why change it?

I hate the fact that my having my children with me for Christmas day appears to be an issue with my ex. Although it has never really been discussed, each year, my sons have been with me on Christmas day and him on Boxing Day. It just has worked that way and I thought that it was working quite well that way. I am feeling quite vulnerable right now, the disease has a way of creeping up on me at times and blind siding me every once in a while and feelings of morose overwhelm me ... part of the game I guess. You can imagine my surprise when he more or less informed me that he expected them for dinner Christmas day. I ended up giving him more information about my condition than I perhaps wanted to share with him, but nonetheless felt that he should know for when the time comes. I should not have to ask his permission to spend time with my kids ... I shouldn't ... it is just not right.
and then I wonder how many others are there out there dealing with all kinds of illnesses who will be spending the holidays without their children close by, and it makes me sad ...
somewhere there should be a compromise ...