DNR

do not resucitate

what does this mean to you

to me

it is giving up

giving up the life of another

playing god and making decisions

that are not necessarily

what the person lying in that bed would wish

DNR

they asked me what my wishes were

when I entered the hospital

would I want them to make an effort?

I remember staring at Sean my RN

and asking ...

are you serious?

his reply was "Yes, I need to know"

he then went on to tell me that I was very ill

and in situations like this they ask

all patients

I wonder what my father in law said

when they asked him

or did they ask him?

My ex is power of attorney

they designated him so

thinking that our marriage

would be forever

not knowing that in less than two weeks

it would be gone and dissolved ...

I remember my mother in law apologizing

and saying, that part of the decision

was based on my advocacy

and they knew that

I would insist on the best of care

that I would make sure of quality of care

that I would respect their wishes

I read the email this morning

telling of a man

who is still fighting for his dignity

and trying to look after his own private needs

struggling against the bonds that bind

and determined to be as independent as he could be

and I think

does this sound

like a man

who would want a DNR?

and I wonder who is this man

that I once lived with for 30 years

as husband and wife

and I wonder

what happened along the way

that life lost it's value

and that it is okay to just sign it away

DNR

I have a feeling

it is going to be a very long day

a day of tears

a day of memories of a kind and gracious man

full of dry sarcastic humour

that I see in my son

and so the line continues

but I wonder of the generation between

the man who named himself God

and know that it is best if I leave things alone

as I have this very strong urge to

bitch slap

two weeks ago we were talking nursing home

now we are talking funeral home

I have this strong desire to bitch slap

but thank God that I am too far away

and so as his journey draws near to an end

I hope that they at least give him the dignity of not being alone

I would hope that

at least this small amount of dignity

would not be too far from their hearts

and I wish for him

Godspeed

with love and no pain

to be surrounded by those loved ones

who have already made their journey

and I send my love

and I apologize

I would have tried harder

but that is me, never the one to take the easy route

but the one that said

what if ...