tears on my pillow ...

There are days when I awake with no pain, no nausea, and no cramping ...

and there are days when I can barely move because the pain is just too much.

There are days when I feel great and look forward to the day

and then there are the days when I just wish it would all end ...

The days when I feel great

and then the ones where I just cry ...

cry, for no reason at all.

Someone told me once,

that tears are what cleanse the heart and the mind ...

not too sure of that ...

more like they flow for no reason

and the lump in my throat only gets bigger as they flow ...

and I wonder, will it ever get better ...

will it ever stop hurting ...

will I ever stop feeling the nausea and the stomach that flips on it's own

and it is not even three years ...

three years of waking up every morning

and being surprised ... that I did wake up

and I wonder if my body goes through the moment of expectation

will she or won't she

the phone rings at 0600 ...

I hear the ring ... three short rings

to be repeated not once but twice

before I reach to pick it up ...

my early morning wakeup

my morphine cue

40mg. in 4 little caps

the part that gets me thru 'til 0200

and even as I sit here

watching the clock

tick down

tick

tick

tick

and still the clock says that it is way too soon

to think of bed yet again ...

but although the mind and the brain are clear

they know the rules

the body, screams in pain ...

and I close my eyes as once more

the tears pour from my eyes

one tear at a time ...