tears on my pillow ...

There are days when I awake with no pain, no nausea, and no cramping ...

and there are days when I can barely move because the pain is just too much.

There are days when I feel great and look forward to the day

and then there are the days when I just wish it would all end ...

The days when I feel great

and then the ones where I just cry ...

cry, for no reason at all.

Someone told me once,

that tears are what cleanse the heart and the mind ...

not too sure of that ...

more like they flow for no reason

and the lump in my throat only gets bigger as they flow ...

and I wonder, will it ever get better ...

will it ever stop hurting ...

will I ever stop feeling the nausea and the stomach that flips on it's own

and it is not even three years ...

three years of waking up every morning

and being surprised ... that I did wake up

and I wonder if my body goes through the moment of expectation

will she or won't she

the phone rings at 0600 ...

I hear the ring ... three short rings

to be repeated not once but twice

before I reach to pick it up ...

my early morning wakeup

my morphine cue

40mg. in 4 little caps

the part that gets me thru 'til 0200

and even as I sit here

watching the clock

tick down

tick

tick

tick

and still the clock says that it is way too soon

to think of bed yet again ...

but although the mind and the brain are clear

they know the rules

the body, screams in pain ...

and I close my eyes as once more

the tears pour from my eyes

one tear at a time ...

ta-dah

Have you ever got to the point where you go searching for the lost link and can never find it, and then all of a sudden with a stroke of brilliance you have a ta-dah moment ...

duh ... definitely a ta-dah moment was had today ...

whew ... I have tried and tried to remember with very limited results

what ever happened to those blog sites that I used to have

hard to believe that they would just vamoose from site for no particular reason ...

but then I remember, oh yeah, stupid chemo drugs that turn your brain to mush!

and I giggle to myself, as I think of all my non cancer friends who would beg to differ

for they would say it was old age, or menopause, or just because

Heaven help us if they were to think that it could actually be the drugs ...

drugs that keep my body working in hopes that it will someday be able to heal itself ...

like as if ......................................... not really, but as if ....

and I think to myself ....

and I giggle again ...

body, heal yourself ...

or dammit, I am going for chocolate ... lol

The ass kicker chemo ...

In December, my body not only relapsed but doubled the IgG and Myclonal or M-spike numbers from 31 and 29 to 60 and 62.3. It was time to bring in the big guns or as they were referred to "the ass kickers" ... what can I say. The first night of taking both drugs, spaced by about 3 and a half hours, they said to space them ... I thought that would be enough, it wasn't. Apparently spacing them is 10 hours apart. It was one of my worst nights during this journey. I was basically in my bathroom, with my lovely yellow puke bowl in my lap. I had two of them and when we packed house and the three of us all had our own apartments to furnish, I think it was Bry who said, you know Mom, I think I can get my own puke bowl now ... good thing he left me one as it has been well used and for awhile, it looked great sitting on its own pillow on the other side of my bed ...
I was in the washroom, basically for 5 hours ... I talked to both kids, even offering to pay a cab if Ben could come from Waterloo. I knew that Chris had had a rough day at work and it was a long shift ... Gail was in Cuba ... Heather worked until Midnight ... Lynda's hubby works nights and she has to be home ... all of my normal rides were not available. I was on my own for this one ...
The stomach pain was comparable to childbirth with no epidural or other pain pills, I had a splitting migraine that seemed to encompass my head in a vice with pressure on the base of my neck ... my formerly really constipated stools were coming out as water by the end ... there was nothing else left. I would cough and it would virtually come out both ends at the same time.
It was the first time, that I ever wondered if this was all worth it ...

after a chat with the pharmacist and the oncologist, we decided that we should wait to Monday before taking any more pills and that I should try for at least 8 hours apart if not 10. I should take the dex before 930am so that it reacts with the bodies natural dexamethasone ... who knew we had such things and Revlimid well, it is best taken on a full stomach, the only thing is that it caused gas and bloating that first month, with lots of gas expulsions through any oriface that it could find ... I think my brother Bill would have been proud of some of them. I personally was afraid to light a candle for the famous blue flame. Slowly, things were starting to settle down and the first three weeks were over. Then I developed pneumonia. That would be the number one side effect of this drug ... usually happening on completion of your third week of treatment. Hmmm and the fun is just beginning ... to be cont'd