I don't want to buy a ticket for your ride ...

rollercoaster of a ride
starting off slowly without preconceived ideas
a plan for the future
suddenly thrown for a loop
the financial plan now defunct pending 1618A
WTF .....................as I hold on gripping with both hands
taking the turns and the double flip of the stomach
building up the courage to make the call, slowly anxiety rising
never for sure knowing when the bottom will fall out and pitching forward
into the abyss that has become my life ............
with a snap of the neck
there it is, my life capitualized into a single statement,
dashed to the ground in a split second ...
a pregnant pause as I wonder
does she know what she just said?
and then it is like the cool off part of the ride,
where she tried to make me feel better, to appease the client ...
to make me want to come back and be a part of this ...

are you kidding me ..............
don't tell me that I have a serious illness
don't tell me that I of course will be covered and looked after
not when you mail me a letter and say no further funds available ...

perhaps if it was you that was living with this serious illness, this cancer from which you so kindly inform me I will not recover,
perhaps if you were the one sitting here and wondering what will come
and I if could be the one
who gets to toss the files into the air
waiting to see how they fall ...
if they fall face up do they get to continue
are they out, if it falls face down ........

please do not condescend to me and ply me with your fake concern and pity ...
I know that I have a serious illness,
I know that I will probably not recover
I know that I deserve to be on my LTD benefits
I know ...........
I also know that I am not a group number or a certificate number
I am me
a woman who breathes and bleeds
and funny enough
I can do both at the same time :)