I think that I am almost afraid to go see my oncologist
in the months of December and January
two years in a row now
where the news has not been good
two years in a row
that I have cried myself to sleep
two years in a row
where the fear that I feel
makes me quiver and shake
as I try to bite my lip
and suck it up
but how does one suck up fear?
how does one wake up to face another day of pain
another day of uncertainty
another day of not knowing what one needs to know
another day of missing my children
no matter that they are now adults
missing them all the same
relapse January 2011
a dose of Revlimid and Dex
a night of barfing in the toilet
inbetween rounds of the runs
at times the toxic crap leaving my body
both at the same time
and my crying in the night
as there is no one to share my pain ...
relapse January 2012
Velcade ... the final frontier
an IV injection
running poison thru my veins
the make it or break it possible fix to MM
and I cry ...
I cry for myself, my children, my family and friends
I cry because I am not ready
not ready to say good bye
not ready to say I am finished
once again, I find myself immersed in tears
and wonder ... why me? why me ...
January 2012 ... one more January, one more drug ...
if I can go one year than perhaps the new drugs,
the drugs full of promise and low side effects
should be here ...
it is hard to advocate for something that seems so far away ...
here it is January ... only 11 more months to go ...
Let me carry on ... just 11 more months until the new drugs are here ...
holding on for all I am worth ...
holding on by the toenails ...
and so, here it is January ...
I am hoping to turn this all around and go back to thinking of January
as the birthday month for two of my brothers ...
the birthday month of several friends ...
the month to get back in shape ...
to pay down the visa bill
January, the month to bundle up from the cold
to carry on like Myeloma has never effected my life ...
January ... a new month
a new year
a new way to fight the cancer that grows within
I will win ... I will just keep trying until I do ...
